Why Are We Still Changing Our Names When We Get Married?

I was once at a wedding where, in the ceremony, the person performing the ceremony referred to the woman taking on her husband's name. But she wasn't going do that. No one told the old man performing the marriage. When she interjected, "I'm not taking his name." The man thought it was absurd and told her, "Of course you are, dear." She tried to explain that she was keeping her name, and it started to become a whole thing. Rather than allow it to go the way it should, there were voices from the gallery encouraging the bride to "let it go", that it would be reflected correctly on the marriage certificate.

She let it go.

Looking back, I wish she hadn't.

I’ve watched two women go through the process of reclaiming a previous name, and in terms of effort, it’s something akin to swimming up a waterfall.

Let’s start with the obvious: Where did this even come from?

The Name Game: A Patriarchal Invention

The tradition of a woman taking her husband’s last name didn’t come from some romantic notion of unity or togetherness. It came from a very practical, very patriarchal place: ownership.

Under English common law—what we inherited in the U.S.—marriage made a woman legally invisible. This was called coverture. When you married, you didn’t just take your husband’s name; you effectively ceased to exist as a separate legal person. You couldn’t own property. You couldn’t enter contracts. You couldn’t vote, work, or do much of anything without your husband’s permission. Taking his name wasn’t symbolic—it was literal documentation of your transfer from one male guardian (your father) to another (your husband).

So yeah. Super romantic.

Fast Forward to Now

Today, women aren’t legally required to take their husband’s name, but in most cases, they still do. Roughly 70% of women in the U.S. adopt their spouse’s last name. Why? Habit. Expectation. Tradition. Pressure. Simplicity. Some people genuinely want to share a family name, and that’s valid—but how often do we stop to ask if we want that, or if we’re just doing it because it’s what you’re “supposed to do”?

Meanwhile, if a man wants to take his wife’s name? Get ready for a mountain of paperwork, sideways looks, and in some states, legal loopholes that make it harder than it needs to be. Equality, right?

The Cost of Reclaiming Yourself

For the many women who decide to change their names back after divorce, the process is exhausting. It’s not just a signature here and a form there—it’s your driver’s license, Social Security card, passport, bank accounts, insurance, subscriptions, business records, travel documents… the list is endless.

And some systems still assume name changes only go one direction: from Miss to Mrs. We’re running modern lives on outdated software—both culturally and literally.

What’s even weirder? There’s no class for this. No one teaches you the legal, emotional, or logistical implications of taking someone else’s name. You’re just supposed to figure it out—then jump through flaming hoops to reverse it if the relationship ends.

Why This Matters

This isn’t about being anti-marriage or anti-tradition. It’s about being pro-choice—not in the political sense, but in the “hey, maybe we should consciously choose how we define ourselves” sense. Your name is your name. It’s your story. Your fingerprint. Your declaration of self.

So when we talk about equality and freedom in relationships, we have to talk about the things we take for granted—the traditions we still follow because “that’s just how it’s done.” And we need to ask if they still serve us, or if we’re just dragging them along like old luggage we never bothered to unpack.

Because reclaiming your identity isn’t just a matter of paperwork. It’s a matter of power.